Netfish: A Movie Review Blog

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai

2006-10-04T00:55:48Z

Have you ever wondered what would happen if indie auteur Jim Jarmusch made an action movie? I can tell you! It is called this movie. I thought it was clever and original when Shinichiro Watanabe Samurai Champloo looked at bushido through the lens of hip hop culture, little realizing that five years earlier Ghost Dog had looked at hip hop culture through the lens of bushido. Actually, I've vaguely known about and wanted to see this movie since high school, but certain persons who will remain unnamed conducted a campaign of obstructionism which robbed me of my inalienable right to see Forest Whitaker shoot people and recite from the Hagakure. This is exactly what Netflix is for - getting back at former girlfriends. And getting this movie! The plot is barely worth mentioning - it's the story of an assassin who fouls up a hit through no fault of his own, is hunted down by his erstwhile employers, and yadda yadda yadda, bloodbathing ensues. But that's not the point. Even the sheer hardcoreness of Ghost Dog - dude is so hardcore, he communicates by homing pigeon - isn't the point. The point is how it's done, narrated in equal parts through passages from the writings of Yamamoto Tsunetomo and through Itchy and Scratchy cartoons, before finally culminating in a scene taken not out of the Far East but rather the Old West. The other point is Isaach De Bankol� as the monolingual Francophone best friend of the monolingual Anglophone protagonist. Man, he's awesome!

Without a Clue (1988)

2006-09-25T03:11:24Z

How do we know that Sherlock Holmes was so awesome? Because Doctor Watson tells us so, of course. But what if Watson was lying? And here you have the premise behind the rather charming Without a Clue. In the movie, it's Watson - played by Sir Krishna Bhanji - who's the deductive detective. In an effort to keep a low profile, he created the character of "Sherlock Holmes" and hired an out-of-work actor named Reginald Kincaid (played by Sir Maurice Micklewhite) to be the public face of that character. Then, things go bad. Really bad. It's really quite a wonderful movie, and highly recommended. I wish I had more to say on it, but I don't, largely because I don't feel like telling you about a movie you could just watch for your damn self. Guh. Long day, sorry.

P.S. Sir Krishna and Sir Maurice are Ben Kingsley and Michael Caine, respectively, if you were wondering. I'm just in a vaguely perverse mood, and feeling amused by their actual birth names, which I don't think I'd ever heard before, and which, by all rights, should have kept them from even considering acting careers. Hee hee. Micklewhite.

Mind the Gap (2004)

2006-09-16T03:12:37Z

Wow. Two movies called Mind the Gap in as many years. Neither, as far as I'm able to discern, has much at all to do with the London Underground. This one, in fact, is more or less about Manhattan. At least, I can't think what else it would be about. I like city stories. I don't like all of them - Crash (2004 film) comes to mind - but I'd have to say I approve of the genre itself, in theory. (Actually, off the top of my head, I can't think of any that I really liked, except sorta Magnolia (film) and, of course, 22 Short Films About Springfield. But I maintain that's a failing with the individual movies, not the genre.) But this is just silly. When you've got one character in Vermont, one in North Carolina, one in Arizona... well, it's just silly. Granted, all of them make it to Manhattan in the end, but they don't all intertwine in the end like a city story is supposed to. Only two of the five individual storylines ever intersect each other at all, as far as I can remember1. Oh, yeah, and the musician chick from Brooklyn was in the same room as the bald guy from Vermont at one point, but they never actually met. (Particularly strange was that they were both partaking in a speed dating thing, so you'd think they'd have opportunity to chat for three minutes, but no, both of them decided to leave before they actually talked.) Actually, wait, no, I'm lying. There was some sort-of-intersection between the other three stories. Bitter Jew (BJ) is in a taxi which almost hits some woman, Musician Chick (MC) is watching and has a heart attack, and Suicidal Philanderer (SP) is the one who calls for an ambulance2. But I still can't recall any direct interaction, no matter how insubstantial, between any of those three and the other two storylines, Bald Guy (BG) and Vivacious Myopic Photographer Whose Father Raped Her Mother And It Ruined Her Mother's Health And She Cared For Her Mother Devotedly But Her Mother Still Hated Her For Destroying Her Life (VMPWFRHM&IRHMH&SCFHMDBHMSHHFDHL)3. So basically, all you've got is five stories connected by essentially nothing except the varying levels of damagedness of their protagonists and the fact that they all wind up on the same island. The laws of narrative are willing to accept this in a city story, but they insist that the five stories be equally good. They were not. Not even close. BG is played by Eric Schaeffer, who also just so happened to write and direct it, which might explain why his is by far the biggest part. VMPWFRHM&IRHMH&SCFHMDBHMSHHFDHL has probably the second most substantial storyline, which fits both because she's the one who gives the movie its title and because her character is so tricky to figure out that you need more than 20% of a movie to do it. BJ's part is much smaller, but is saved by Alan King (comedian), who didn't skimp on the last performance of his life. MC and SP were not so lucky, and because their storylines get so badly cut back to fit in the others, the characters are one-dimensional at best, the plots are non-existent, the actors can't save them4, and they're just generally extraneous annoyances. If they'd cut out SP, they might have had more space to develop the others and would have avoided having to shoot in Tucson; they could have shot the entire movie in Vermont5 and New York. Still, it's one of those movies that's easy to pick apart, but that isn't honestly all that bad. The stories that are well-developed are well-developed, and the acting's generally good. It's charming and it's cute, and it might well be worth your time, especially if you're into cute, charming city story indies. With bald guys. If you were someone other than me - including my mother and stepfather - you might really love this movie.

Everything Is Illuminated

2006-09-07T04:02:45Z

The vast majority of why this movie is good comes down to Eugene H�tz, who steals the show like a kleptomaniac at a hotel towel-maker's convention. The majority of what is bad stems from the somewhat myopic view of Ukraine. There are moments that really capture the perfect weirdness of the place, but on the whole it feels more like a caricature1. There are also a few moments that are very good even not because of Eugene H�tz, which is really quite impressive. First off, let me just say: not a big Elijah Wood fan. He basically has two facial expressions (steely determination and steely confusedness) and man does he like usin' em! This movie mostly features the latter, which is probably the more annoying of the two. HOWEVER, as stated earlier: Eugene H�tz2. Second off, let me just say: Jonathon Safran Foer is apparently my #1 cholo's cousin. That's not, strictly speaking, relevant at all. I just thought I'd mention it. Third off, man, how much money do you have to pay someone to drive from Odessa to Lviv to Lutsk? That's, like, I dunno, driving from New York City to, say, Bangor, Maine. And then to, like, somewhere maybe in Quebec? Somewhere with lots of sunflowers? Did you know Canada has the third largest population of ethnic Ukrainians in the world, after Ukraine and Russia? Anyway, Eugene H�tz is the main thing. And I still need to read the book. Which, to my understanding, does not contain Eugene H�tz. I'll get by somehow, I guess.

The Transporter

2006-08-18T23:45:30Z

I wasn't quite sure what route to take with this one. I considered just taking the piss and calling it a post-ironic Bildungsroman or something. Or I considered marketing it to my gay audience, by pointing out that it involves the most homoerotic fight scene ever: a topless Jason Statham pours used motor oil all over his body, then writhes around with a bunch of similarly oiled-up goons, then finally ends up totally making out with one of them1. The movie is rated PG-13 for "violent sequences and some sensuality", but given how little chemistry there was between Statham and Shu Qi, one can only assume that the "sensuality" actually refers to that particular violent sequence. Still, you don't have to be gay or pretentious to enjoy this movie! (Being gay might help. Being pretentious actually probably wouldn't.) If you like action movies, well then this is arguably the epitome thereof. It's not exactly dialogue heavy - in fact, we don't really learn any of the characters' full names until the credits, if then. Actually, only five of the characters have names; the rest are credited at the IMDb as "Leader", "Boss", "Little Thug", "Giant Thug", and so on. Certainly Statham is capable of very well-delivered dialogue - before he became Britain's first notable action star since Connery, he made his name playing drily witty conmen for Guy Ritchie. Okay, granted, at the time Shu Qi was a porn actress who couldn't actually speak English, and had to memorize her lines phonetically (which strikes me as the sort of thing that would count against you at an audition), so they probably couldn't have expanded her part by much. But that's not the point! It's not about dialogue, it's definitely not about plot, it's about being a badass! Which, of course, Statham does, to a ridiculous degree. I keep mentioning him in particular. That's because basically there's no other reason to see this movie. Yet you'll notice it gets five ghotis. That's because he's a really good reason to see this movie. And not just for the sensual motor oil scene, either.

The Great Dictator

2006-08-01T04:21:24Z

[[Image:Hynkel.jpg|thumb|right|210px|I need a giant inflatable globe.]]This is a remarkable movie. In 1940, Charlie Chaplin decided to make a movie about Adolf Hitler, sinking $1.5 million of his own into it and putting his entire fortune at risk. That was remarkable. He decided to focus on the plight of the Jew in particular, though not a Jew himself, in a time when the question of the Jews in Europe was secondary. Remarkable. And he made a comedy out of it - a funny one! How freaking remarkable is that? However, the most remarkable and important thing in this movie is the final speech. As "Adenoid Hynkel", Chaplin delivers a series of speeches in pseudo-Teutonic gibberish. (Nobody could do gibberish like the Tramp.) But the final speech is delivered by a poor Jewish barber (also Chaplin, of course) who has been mistaken for the dictator, and that speech is perhaps one of the most powerful anti-fascist speeches ever given. Anyone opposed to totalitarianism must put this movie on their Netflix queue immediately, just for this incredible speech. I'll quote a bit (the full text can be found here), but trust me, it's no substitute. :I don�t want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone - if possible - Jew, Gentile - black man - white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other�s happiness - not by each other�s misery. We don�t want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone. And the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men�s souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed... :The aeroplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men - cries out for universal brotherhood - for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world - millions of despairing men, women, and little children - victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me, I say - do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed - the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish... :Soldiers! don�t give yourselves to brutes - men who despise you - enslave you - who regiment your lives - tell you what to do - what to think and what to feel! Who drill you - diet you - treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don�t give yourselves to these unnatural men - machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines! You are not cattle! You are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! It was such a remarkable movie, even Hitler himself watched it - twice. As Chaplin himself said, "I'd give anything to know what he thought of it."

Duck Soup

2006-07-18T21:22:26Z

I remember this movie being great the last time I saw it, which was about, oh, twelve years ago, I guess. Certainly the mirror scene must be considered one of the greatest moments in physical comedy ever recorded, but even that's too long - Johnny Stecchino, which apparently doesn't even rate a Wikipedia article, did it better by doing it so quickly you didn't even realize it had happened. Harpo is brilliant, Chico is good, Groucho is forced, and Zeppo is... oh, Zeppo. I doubt I would be so bothered if I didn't know how much better they could be - having seen Groucho in You Bet Your Life, I can definitely say he can be one of the funniest men to live when he's being spontaneous. And the singing! Why?

The Great Escape

2006-07-17T23:19:12Z

I'm such a sucker for whistling movies. This, The Bridge on the River Kwai... uh... To Have and Have Not (film)... okay, that's all I can think of, and I haven't actually seen the latter, but that's not the point. The point is that whistling is awesome. Whistling and Steve McQueen almighty Tao. To my knowledge this is the only movie to combine the two. And Nazis! What makes this one of the best war movies ever created is that the war is so irrelevant to the movie. In the whole movie, I think three or four Germans die that I can remember - four by the French Resistance, one by McQueen's tripwire - and that's about it. And the Australian guy steals a bike. There are very few on-screen deaths. Because at its heart, it's not a war movie, it's an imprisonment movie. And its basic message is that humans can't be imprisoned. That's a hell of a message. I mean, these guys had a choice - sit comfortably in their huts and tend their gardens for the rest of the war, or risk everything so they can get sent back to war! Captain Blackadder position on said dilemma was clear, but there's no hesitation among these men. They simply will not be contained. You have to respect that. It's long, though. Damn. But whistling! Are my reviews getting less and less helpful, or is it just me?